Gutted, in Motion to Hunt, Gather

Dear Friend,

Last week, I learned that I didn’t get the ✶dream✶ job. There were over 700 applicants and the applications they received were “fantastic”. I’m not as disappointed as I thought I would be. It was invigorating to review my work history. It made me appreciate all the things I've been involved in over the years and realized how little I’ve allowed myself to feel good about doing all those things. I’ve done a lot, but I am in new territory.

This is the first job application though, where I was not as quiet and private as I tend to be. I told friends and elders about the job and I really felt that my tribe (close friends and people I regularly communicate with) were rooting for me. That felt precious, but I would feel a bit odd talking about it, and felt it might have stirred something. That maybe, this wasn’t it. My Cat-senses weren't as prickly and pervasive as they normally would be. Oh and when the money part of a job screams at me and makes me feel a certain way, things never work out. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate money just like anybody else—in that it keeps us safe, secure, fed, and living. But it’s just not what entices me about any work. I trust The Universe and the wider container of awareness.

I was sad for a moment and I let myself be sad, but then I shifted all the energy into the sorting the storage room that I keep mentioning. Progress has been steady. I wouldn’t have been able to get any of this off the ground had I not reduced my workload in January. I helped a friend, Mick, pack up 10 years of his life for 12 hours a couple of weeks ago too. I figured that if I could help do that for someone else within a limited time, then I could put in similar efforts before I left Singapore. It was the motivation I needed for what my friend, J has called, The Purge Project.

By that point, I had less than two weeks to work with before my flight to San Frnacisco. I was able to get rid of 23 pre-loved items of varying value and about half that number of things I ended up giving away to strangers on the Carousell app for free. I also offloaded five bags of clothes and one bag of shoes to The Fashion Pulpit. I now have around 700 points to swap, so I plan to gather friends and organize a swap party before my account expires. My storage room isn't such a wreck anymore, so if I died all of a sudden, I wouldn't feel stressed about people seeing it in its current state. This is one of my recurring intrusive thoughts.

In other fun news, my neighbor's cat, Freckles AKA Frecky went viral a couple of weeks ago and his 11-second clip has reached 4 million views. This may be even higher now. I had also been quietly dating someone for 5 months, but decided to end things with them. If it isn't a resounding yes that compels you towards a person, place, or thing... is it worth the while of your one precious life? I wasn’t as gutted that things didn’t work out with that person than I was about the job.

I'm writing from Contra Costa County in California, where my sister and I would spend summers visiting our maternal grandparents. It is a place I am very much compelled by. The air is crisp. The temperature's perfect. The winds are gutsy. I had forgotten how much this place had shaped me. We spent our summers waiting for dial-up Internet and shared an AOL account to explore the world wide web, where we would pretend not to be the underage children we were. My sister and I would watch a lot of television: Nickelodeon in the mornings, The Price is Right and The Jerry Springer Show with our grandparents in the afternoons, then switch to Hallmark, MTV or movies like Titanic and Spice World on VHS tapes at night.

The last time I visited this part of America was in 2009. I was only just becoming an adult human at twenty-one, and I had a chance to spend time in San Francisco because my friend Sarah lived there. This time, I am staying with friends, C&D, whom I had met through Manila's Indie Pop scene and who migrated to El Sobrante close to the area my family once called home. As it happens, they live ten minutes from where my aunt, Nanay Po now lives. C&D have very generously invited me stay with them and their daughter, amidst their very hectic schedules. Since my arrival, they have also taken turns dropping me off to the house where my Nanay Po rents a room as she undergoes chemotherapy and soon, radiation.

Everything changes so quickly. One minute you're nine years old and learning to cook instant noodles on the stove-top with very little to worry about and in the next moment you're twenty-one giggling while sitting atop a neo-classical style ruin and taking much of life for granted. Blink and you are thirty-eight, grateful for all the love and support from friends that led you here and savoring the seconds as you sit in a folding chair behind your aunt—one of the few blood relatives who has consistently shown up for you since the day you were born—keeping her company while she manages unfathomable pain and discomfort. Tears welled up as I quietly witnessed her living her life anew.

May we all remember the fleetingness of things and choose to dwell in the big heart of love. May you be well. May you be safe. May you have the will to hunt and gather.

with love and gratitude,
cat